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TODAY'S LAUGH!


Subject:
Her Last Kiss

A group of HELL'S ANGELS, NORTH Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

BUDDY, their leader, a old navy guy in his 70???s, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says

"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Buddy also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked,

"Well, before you jump, Babe . . . why don't you give ol' Buddy here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, Buddy gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.​
 
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbor's were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his er-ection and he will be able to withdraw.."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.
 
A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK?

The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.

He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!”

She responds, “You think your day was bad, the postman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning
 
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"​
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"​
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.​
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"​
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."​
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"​
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."​
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"​
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."​
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"​
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."​
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"​
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"​
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?​
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."​
 

Tom

Administrator
Staff member
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"​
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"​
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.​
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"​
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."​
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"​
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."​
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"​
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."​
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"​
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."​
The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"​
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"​
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?​
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."​
Lol that was funny!
 
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this Antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd of seniors became mesmerized as the watch swayed back forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. ."SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...

It took 3 days to clean up the senior center.
 
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Helena, MT. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.
 

Tom

Administrator
Staff member
An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry,
what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy
a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, '
I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,
'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms... Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
 
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