A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ...
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Oh, I don't know........when I was 16 back in the 60's and some guy in the neighborhood just bought a beat up "whatever", as long as he had a brand new set of chrome rims on it....by God it was a HOT ROD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At a winery, the regular taste tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, "It's Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass....
"This is Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured a 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results."
"Correct." A third glass.....
"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive," the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blond, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated...
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says,"Fluc you white people too".
Stash the Polish mechanic went on a weeks vacation to Florida during spring break. For days he blended in with all
the beachgoers with thoughts of picking up a hot young woman to spend some personal time with.
Unsuccessful and frustrated, he finally asked the lifeguard, "What am I doing wrong"?
The lifeguard replied" Why don't you put a potato in your swim trunks, the girls surely will be attracted then".
The next day, late in the afternoon Stash came to the lifeguard looking very depressed and said;
" I did what you told me, and not one girl would have anything to do with me".
The lifeguard replied; " You have to put the potato in THE FRONT of your trunks".
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 60 years of age cannot do it!!
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is old cat..
This is fart cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you cannot resist passing this on……
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving boca chica beach well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night."
"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!"
"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.
"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs.