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TODAY'S LAUGH!

new and easy test for the horror of Covid 19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.
Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.
I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time thank goodness.

I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.
I'll report my results later.
 
Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
 
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:
“Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its’ heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.
“Try doing it with the engine running”

 






In Catholic schools, students are taught that lying is a sin.
Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently, without lying.
This is a perfect example of this teaching:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?’

'Of course child. What can I do for you?’

'I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?
Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?’

'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.’

'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.’

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?’

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.’

The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’

'I have a marvellous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.’

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!’
 
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens
 
The rioting in major cities across the U.S. has spread to Beaver Utah a retirement community. Looters from SunRiver have broken into the CVS store that sell items like laxatives, vitamins, adult diapers, hearing aids, reading glasses, energy drinks and surgical stockings.​


The thugs were easily caught and arrested since they were using their walkers and golf carts to flee.

The protests have been limited to the evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s appointments during the day or rioting would have interfered with their naps.

The marches didn’t last that long because many of the demonstrators had to get home to pee. In many cases, the demonstrators simply forgot why they were even there.

Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. but since that’s the time when most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it wasn’t needed.

Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the coronavirus.

Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they needed a committee.
 
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