What's new

TODAY'S LAUGH!

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the boy.... "Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?" The boy nodded in yes. The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, jerk-face or a-hole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or shithead is it?" "No, coach. "Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother"!
 
In the event you didn't already know this little tidbit of wonderful trivia.............. On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon
His first words after stepping on the moon,
"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'good luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr. Gorsky and this time he finally responded, He had heard Mr. Gorsky had just died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.
Here is the answer:
"Who was Mr. Gorsky"
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window.
His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky,
"Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
It broke the place up.
Neil Armstrong’s family confirmed that this is a true story.
Do pass it on, it's too choice not to be shared.
Humor, especially when it's based on a true story, is good for the soul.
 

Tom

Administrator
Staff member
In the event you didn't already know this little tidbit of wonderful trivia.............. On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon
His first words after stepping on the moon,
"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'good luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr. Gorsky and this time he finally responded, He had heard Mr. Gorsky had just died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.
Here is the answer:
"Who was Mr. Gorsky"
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window.
His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky,
"Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
It broke the place up.
Neil Armstrong’s family confirmed that this is a true story.
Do pass it on, it's too choice not to be shared.
Humor, especially when it's based on a true story, is good for the soul.
LOL what a great story !
 
In the event you didn't already know this little tidbit of wonderful trivia.............. On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon
His first words after stepping on the moon,
"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the 'good luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr. Gorsky and this time he finally responded, He had heard Mr. Gorsky had just died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.
Here is the answer:
"Who was Mr. Gorsky"
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by their bedroom window.
His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky,
"Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
It broke the place up.
Neil Armstrong’s family confirmed that this is a true story.
Do pass it on, it's too choice not to be shared.
Humor, especially when it's based on a true story, is good for the soul.
Thanks Davy, you just made my day! LOL
 
Well, I'm out of the Hospital...and home. It has not been a good day.
After spending the last couple of months quarantined inside the house and almost 3 weeks in
the hospital with the Corona Virus (true),
I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in many years.
It turned out to be a horrible mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly,
but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the
horse could go.
I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the saddle stirrup,
the horse was then dragging me. The horse just would not stop.
Thankfully the manager at Walmart came out and unplugged the machine.
He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't try to ride the Elephant...
 

Tom

Administrator
Staff member
Well, I'm out of the Hospital...and home. It has not been a good day.
After spending the last couple of months quarantined inside the house and almost 3 weeks in
the hospital with the Corona Virus (true),
I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in many years.
It turned out to be a horrible mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly,
but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the
horse could go.
I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the saddle stirrup,
the horse was then dragging me. The horse just would not stop.
Thankfully the manager at Walmart came out and unplugged the machine.
He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't try to ride the Elephant...
Man, you had me for a minute ! LOL
 
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to another woman.
`You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me –faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!’
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’
“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments."
"Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight."
"I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’”
 
Subject: First Round of Golf

A husband takes his wife to play her first round of golf.

The wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A man's voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh, yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"Now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 45," she responded breathlessly.

"No shit?" He said, "Forty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
 
Okay... I've stopped crying from laughter and can repost this... [it may or not be real but it's funny]

An actual customer review from Amazon in the UK, after he used VEET Hair Removal Cream for Men in an attempt to manscape his anal zone as a surprise to the wife (and let's face it, what wife wouldn't be trilled at the gesture). Do not drink anything while reading this. You've been warned:
"After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect...
 
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut.Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

Love the Dad's reply!
"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"​
 
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends."
 
Top