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TODAY'S LAUGH!

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
 
Subject: Fwd: FUNNIEST FIRST DATE



Maybe you saw these already… but if not, read on.


Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks.

The other half will come out with a drinking problem or both.

· I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

· I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

· Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

· PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

· Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

· I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

· This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

· So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

· Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

· My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

· Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

· I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

· I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

· Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

· Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

. Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under
 

Tom

Administrator
Staff member
Frank, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the
doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy
is in and as sharp as a tack; 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'


I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Frank, 'and that's
why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out
golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'





"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Father when he died?


"Who said he was dead?"


The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and
your Father's still alive. How old is he?'


'He's 100 years old,' says Frank. 'In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian
and he's a golfer, too.'


'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old
was he when he died?'


'Who said my grandfather ' s dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, you mean you're 80 years old
and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'




'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, No he couldn't go this morning
because he's getting married today.'


At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting
married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get
married?'



'Who said he wanted to?​
 
A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing
 
Grounds for Divorce;

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
 
A Newfie woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him a Newfie Viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.’
A week later, she called the doctor, who enquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
‘O Lord jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Tim Hortons again!’
 
The wrong Side of the Bed
smile for the night... A long read,.,.,.,. but enjoyable....lol,.lol,.

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two
novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.
As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning
ladies."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you"
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I
think she got up on the wrong side of the be d this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters
who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them
with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the
wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."
But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the
wrong
side of the bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an
irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary
approaching,
step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was Rather deaf, Mother
Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before
greeting Sister Mary.
"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray
God
watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of
the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong?" I have
tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that
about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're
wearing Father Murphy's slippers
 
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .. ....

(get ready)

'You just happened to catch my eye.'
 
The chicken farmer and the Woman
A chicken farmer went to the local bar.He sat next to an attractive woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said,"How strange , I also ordered a glass of champagne".
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "it is a special day for me. I am celebrating."
"It is a special day for me too." Noted the woman. "I am also celebrating."
"What a coincidence."The farmer said.
While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you cedlebrating!"
"Well", responded the woman, "my husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is awsome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster." He said.
The woman smiled. "What a coincidence."
 
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