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TODAY'S LAUGH!

#1
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”
 
#2
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again
 
#5
Male logic


This is a conversation between a husband and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply; but, then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there.
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?
 

Tom

Administrator
Staff member
#10
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
 

Tom

Administrator
Staff member
#11
One liners:

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.

I’m so ugly that my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
 
#16
Subject: Fwd: Walk with me while I age...

Walk With Me While I Age

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then forwarding it will be worth the effort.

Walk with me while I age - it's worth the read.

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER

…………………………..



















##iT .....

I forgot the words.



 
Last edited:
#18
One liners:

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.

I’m so ugly that my proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
I really like the country music one.
 
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