LAUGH FOR TODAY

29bowtie

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Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #768 on: April 01, 2018, 03:44:20 PM »
Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary’s house one night when Rocco loses 600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.

Tony asks, “Who’s going to go and tell the situation to his wife?”

None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.

Ronald draws a three and loses so he’s the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.

Ronald says, “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet – discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem.”

He drives over to Rocco’s house and knocks on the door. Rocco’s wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.

Ronald replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He’s asked me to come over here and apologize to you.”

Rocco’s wife goes crazy and screams, ” You tell him I said drop dead!”

Ronald doesn’t bat an eyelid and says, “Ok, I’ll go tell him.”
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #769 on: April 02, 2018, 02:41:11 AM »
The truck driver stopped to pick up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.

“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”

“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said. “Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances? “, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.

“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June? ”
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

29bowtie

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Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #770 on: April 02, 2018, 06:12:03 PM »
 ;D :D
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

oldsjoe

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Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #771 on: April 04, 2018, 04:44:26 PM »
 ;) ;)
Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

oldsjoe

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Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #772 on: April 05, 2018, 02:58:51 PM »
Sincere Apology!!!


To the Lady at Costco with her son on a leash!
I'm sorry I asked if he was a rescue!

The profanity was not necessary!
But THANK YOU for not siccing him on me!     
Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

oldsjoe

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #773 on: April 07, 2018, 09:05:32 AM »
So my wife and I were having a discussion about what we wanted to do with our material items if we would pass on. Things like my tools car parts cars. You know the usual she said while we are on the subject what would you like as your final wishes as far as funeral arrangement's and such. When I told her I wish to be cremated she made me an appointment for Tuesday!
Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #774 on: April 16, 2018, 05:42:05 PM »
 :D
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

oldsjoe

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Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #775 on: April 17, 2018, 10:58:41 AM »
 :-[ :-[
Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

oldsjoe

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #776 on: May 08, 2018, 08:20:02 AM »
 ;D ;D

Finally, a good Trump joke

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps



forward and aims a gun.

  A Secret Service agent , new on the job, shouts  “Mickey Mouse!”   This startles the would be assassin and  he is captured.

Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor  takes him aside and asks, “What in the heck made you shout  Mickey Mouse?




Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout
“Donald, duck."
Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

jaded iconoclast

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #777 on: May 08, 2018, 09:56:00 AM »
I understand his confusion, theres more than a passing resemblance between Donald Trump and Donald Duck. Both squack a lot, very loudly, and make a big flap without saying anything very intelligible...
Wanted: Used +030 TRW L2249 or Speed Pro 7061P 12.5/1 289/302 ford pistons

TS3X65MPH

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  • THANKS TO MY DAD & MOM,WIFE GLYNIS & SON STEVEN
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #778 on: May 26, 2018, 01:30:13 AM »
OMG
You Aren't Living If Your Windshield Isn't Dirty.

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #779 on: June 02, 2018, 10:50:33 AM »
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #780 on: June 02, 2018, 11:04:08 AM »
 ;D :o
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

jaded iconoclast

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #781 on: June 02, 2018, 11:10:00 AM »
Wanted: Used +030 TRW L2249 or Speed Pro 7061P 12.5/1 289/302 ford pistons

jaded iconoclast

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #782 on: June 08, 2018, 10:43:27 AM »
"Cant afford that pricey airbag set-up? Have I got a deal for you!" ;D ;D ;D
Wanted: Used +030 TRW L2249 or Speed Pro 7061P 12.5/1 289/302 ford pistons

Daves 40cp

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Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #783 on: June 10, 2018, 09:24:06 AM »

Subject: New golf shoes
 
 
Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair
of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples,
so, seeing some on sale after his round, he
bought them.  He was so delighted with his
purchase, he decided to wear them home to
show the Mrs.
 
 
 
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered
into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?
 
Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied,
"Nope.
 
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into
the bathroom, undressed and walked back into
the kitchen completely naked except for the new
golf shoes.
 
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW?"
 
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan
response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be
hanging down again tomorrow.
 
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY
IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
 
"Nope.  Not a clue", she replied.
 
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING
AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!
 
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies,
"You shoulda bought a new hat.
Daves 40cp