LAUGH FOR TODAY

oldsjoe

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #688 on: December 19, 2017, 04:20:58 PM »
 :o ;D :o
Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

Tom

  • Administrator
    • http://hotrodcraft.com
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #689 on: December 21, 2017, 11:14:10 AM »
Medieval pick up line:
"When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."   :wink:


Medieval Jokes:

A king was preparing to ride off on a quest. Before he leaves, he locks up the queen with a chastity belt and calls in his most trusted knight and hands him the key. "Sir Percival, here is the key to my queen's honor. Should I fall in battle, it is to you to release her from her belt so she might marry again." He then leaves on his journey. At the top of a hill, he turns back for one last look at his castle and is surprised to see Sir Percival riding breakneck in pursuit. "My lord, my lord....wait! You have given me the wrong key!"   :shock:



King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he’d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening.. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe.” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the greatful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ’short arm’ inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But Sir Galahad was speechless…



A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.

The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death.

He summoned the astrologer and commanded him: "Prophecy, tell me when you will die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave.

"I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."



The knight returned to the king’s castle with prisoners, bags of gold and other riches from his  victories. “Tell me of your battles,” said the king.

“Well, sire, I have been robbing and stealing on your behalf for weeks, burning the all of the villages of your enemies in the north.”

The king was horrified. “But I have no enemies in the north,” he said.

“Well,” said the knight, “you do now.”

jaded iconoclast

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #690 on: December 22, 2017, 08:27:35 PM »


The knight returned to the king’s castle with prisoners, bags of gold and other riches from his  victories. “Tell me of your battles,” said the king.

“Well, sire, I have been robbing and stealing on your behalf for weeks, burning the all of the villages of your enemies in the north.”

The king was horrified. “But I have no enemies in the north,” he said.

“Well,” said the knight, “you do now.”

Sounds like your current foreign policy ;D...Sorry, just couldn't resist! ;D

jaded iconoclast

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #691 on: December 22, 2017, 08:29:38 PM »
That moment of recognition when you see a meme, and the first thing that flashes through your mind is "that could be me!" ;D

jaded iconoclast

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #692 on: December 23, 2017, 01:41:51 PM »
I really cant think of anything to say that would add anything to this...

jaded iconoclast

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #693 on: December 23, 2017, 07:14:50 PM »
kinda reminds me of the HAMB... :o ;D

jaded iconoclast

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #694 on: December 25, 2017, 01:41:13 PM »
hope this isn't crossing the line, but hell, even if you wear the red hat, I think you gotta admit, this is pretty damned funny!

DavyJ

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #695 on: December 26, 2017, 08:48:43 AM »


How many Facebook group members does it take to change a spark plug?

1 to change the spark plug and to post that spark plug has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing spark plugs and how the spark plug could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing spark plugs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing spark plugs.

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "spark plug" is an electrical device threaded into the cylinder of an internal-combustion engine to ignite the fuel mixture by producing timed sparks between electrodes.

2 to post that this group is not about spark plugs and to please take this discussion to a spark plug group.

27 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use spark plugs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

16 to debate which method of changing spark plugs is superior, where to buy the best spark plugs, what brand of spark plugs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

2 to post URL's where one can see examples of different spark plugs.

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the spark plug controversy.

4 to suggest that posters request the spark plugs FAQ.

16 to post "F".

44 to ask what is a "F"?

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

3 to say "do a Google search on spark plugs before posting questions about spark plugs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

If you read this far... Merry Christmas
Living life at a 100 smiles per hour!

Buddy G

  • Newbie
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #696 on: December 26, 2017, 08:01:28 PM »
Merry Christmas Davy. Buddy ;D

DavyJ

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #697 on: December 26, 2017, 08:30:28 PM »
Thanks Buddy, I 'll take that MErry Christmas and raise you a Happy New Year!  How about some pics of that pick up truck?
Living life at a 100 smiles per hour!

Buddy G

  • Newbie
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #698 on: December 27, 2017, 09:31:54 PM »
Havent dun to it scince that pic Buddy.

Daves 40cp

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #699 on: December 28, 2017, 06:49:24 PM »
Carol was not the best student in Catholic School.  Usually she slept through class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping in class. 'Tell me Carol, who created the universe?'

When Carol didn't stir, but little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Carol.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class....

A little later the Nun asked Carol, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But when Carol didn't stir from her slumber, once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Carol.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Carol fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question....'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.  This time Carol jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

That’s the value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Daves 40cp

jaded iconoclast

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #700 on: December 30, 2017, 01:40:44 PM »
You know, I always thought soccer was kinda gay, but SWEET JESUS!! :o

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #701 on: January 01, 2018, 05:58:44 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

jaded iconoclast

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #702 on: January 02, 2018, 06:54:11 PM »
;D ;D ;D
Oddly enough, that's exactly the same size as my (mostly unfinished ;D) fleet!

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #703 on: January 10, 2018, 03:23:55 PM »
 ;)
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark