LAUGH FOR TODAY

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #656 on: October 18, 2017, 12:00:09 AM »
I almost fell off my chair! ::) That's brilliant! ;)
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

TS3X65MPH

  • Hero Member
  • THANKS TO MY DAD & MOM,WIFE GLYNIS & SON STEVEN
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #657 on: October 30, 2017, 12:09:07 AM »
What hand do you use to blow your nose with. ;)
Some guy's will get this. ;D
You Aren't Living If Your Windshield Isn't Dirty.

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #658 on: October 31, 2017, 12:34:06 AM »
 ;D ;D
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

oldsjoe

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #659 on: November 03, 2017, 09:51:51 AM »
Every Garage needs this hanging on the wall!  Joe
Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

oldsjoe

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #660 on: November 04, 2017, 10:05:20 AM »

Retired Person's Perspective:           
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.  I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.  If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.

4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met?  That's common sense leaving your body.

5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

6. I didn't make it to the gym today.  That makes 1,500 days in a row.

7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

9. Everyone has a right to be stupid.  Politicians just abuse the privilege.

Old age is not as bad as I thought.  It's a good feeling when you just don't give a hoot anymore and you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.
Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

Thirty2ragtop

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #661 on: November 09, 2017, 03:00:58 PM »
Italian Funeral
 
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.  Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.  He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.  Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood..  Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line.
 

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #662 on: November 13, 2017, 05:27:45 PM »
 ;D ;D
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #663 on: November 14, 2017, 02:58:02 AM »
 ;D ;D
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

DavyJ

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #664 on: November 14, 2017, 09:32:37 PM »
Figures,  that is a Toronto phone number...... :)
Living life at a 100 smiles per hour!

oldsjoe

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #665 on: November 15, 2017, 11:16:22 AM »
Cost of living has gone out of sight! Now look at this terrible news!  Joe



                             THE SEXUAL POSISTION PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS 69 IS NOW CALLED 96.

                                 DUE TO THE ECONOMY, THE COST OF EATING OUT HAS GONE UP!!




Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #666 on: November 20, 2017, 02:47:25 AM »
 :D :)
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #667 on: November 20, 2017, 02:51:06 AM »
Last seen, speeding down the Hershey Highway! ;D ;D
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #668 on: November 20, 2017, 02:55:34 AM »
Wow! :o :o
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #669 on: November 22, 2017, 06:58:51 PM »
 :D ;D ;D
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

oldsjoe

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #670 on: November 29, 2017, 04:02:24 PM »
I know this from experience.  Joe



 If you've ever owned your own business, been an entrepreneur or wondered what it's like doing so, this is as close to reality as it gets.
 The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
 IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
 Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

 IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

 Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

TS3X65MPH

  • Hero Member
  • THANKS TO MY DAD & MOM,WIFE GLYNIS & SON STEVEN
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #671 on: November 30, 2017, 12:54:22 PM »
Well, apparently, some people are having a hard time moving on, so they find a special way to let you know they haven’t forgotten about you. In this case, the car got axed.
You Aren't Living If Your Windshield Isn't Dirty.