LAUGH FOR TODAY

DavyJ

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Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #640 on: September 12, 2017, 07:34:56 PM »
George Orwell where are you..................  it is the future, but not mine........ ;D
Living life at a 100 smiles per hour!

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #641 on: September 13, 2017, 01:39:38 AM »
 8) ;D ;D
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

TS3X65MPH

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  • THANKS TO MY DAD & MOM,WIFE GLYNIS & SON STEVEN
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #642 on: September 13, 2017, 08:15:09 AM »
Doesn't everyone want a "Hey Google" port in their home? No thanks.
Some real hard truth right there. Pea-brained morons.God help us all. :-\
https://www.wpr.org/convenience-benefit-microchip-implants-wisconsin-based-company
No thanks.
You Aren't Living If Your Windshield Isn't Dirty.

Thirty2ragtop

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #643 on: September 14, 2017, 02:35:07 AM »
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. 
 
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . 
 
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. 

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. 
 
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
 
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. 
 
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. 
 
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
 
Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-literplastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
 
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result'. 
 
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
 
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.  I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:  have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.  There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently..  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
 
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. 
 
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.
 
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
 
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. 
 
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.
 
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.
 
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
 
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
 
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
 
'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
 
I have no idea!  Really!  I slept through it!  One moment, ABBA was yelling, 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 
 

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #644 on: September 17, 2017, 03:52:58 PM »
 ::) ;)
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

Tom

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    • http://hotrodcraft.com
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #645 on: September 26, 2017, 07:38:05 AM »
this is funny.   Gotta love this guy's attitude

lurker mick

  • Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #646 on: September 26, 2017, 12:56:39 PM »
This guy has to be related to John Force.

Mick

Tom

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    • http://hotrodcraft.com
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #647 on: September 26, 2017, 01:01:49 PM »
This guy has to be related to John Force.

Mick

Yes he acts just like Force!

jaded iconoclast

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #648 on: September 26, 2017, 01:44:47 PM »
This guy has to be related to John Force.

Mick

Yes he acts just like Force!
He even looks a little like him! ;D
Free your mind, think for yourself, keep the 1st amendment alive

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #649 on: September 26, 2017, 06:54:10 PM »
That is hilarious!  ::) ;D
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

29bowtie

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #650 on: October 07, 2017, 02:50:24 PM »
 ;D ;D
Professionals built the Titanic, An Amateur built the Ark

TS3X65MPH

  • Hero Member
  • THANKS TO MY DAD & MOM,WIFE GLYNIS & SON STEVEN
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #651 on: October 07, 2017, 03:00:24 PM »
;D ;D
It is when your trying to make others happy & not yourself.
You Aren't Living If Your Windshield Isn't Dirty.

oldsjoe

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #652 on: October 08, 2017, 07:30:28 PM »
Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

oldsjoe

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #653 on: October 17, 2017, 08:20:56 PM »

The Harley and Vaseline



 Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.  He doesn't have much luck, until one
 day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. 




 The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

 It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he
 kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 

 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
 outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. 

 It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

 That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
 Naturally, they take the bike there.  Just before they enter the house,
 Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
 When we eat dinner, we don't talk.  In fact, the FIRST person who says
 anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. 

 Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
 In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the
 corridor, everywhere he looks.  Dirty dishes.

 They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

 As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
 He leans over and kisses Sandra.  No one says a word.
 He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.




 So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
 and makes love her, right there in front of her parents.

 His girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is obviously livid and her mom
 horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. 

 He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
 Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and
 makes love to her like s she never had before every which way right there on the dinner table. 

 She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

 His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to
 ear.  But still....Total silence.


 All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

 Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
 Suddenly the father shouted.  I'll do the fuckin dishes!!
Living the DREAM!!! One nut and bolt at a time!

TS3X65MPH

  • Hero Member
  • THANKS TO MY DAD & MOM,WIFE GLYNIS & SON STEVEN
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #654 on: October 17, 2017, 08:46:30 PM »
^^^LMAO
You Aren't Living If Your Windshield Isn't Dirty.

Thirty2ragtop

  • Hero Member
Re: LAUGH FOR TODAY
« Reply #655 on: October 17, 2017, 08:53:42 PM »
me too...........sent it out to all of my biker buds